Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
