My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You smell like stripper and shame
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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