I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
