I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
