Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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