did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
