we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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