im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
