i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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