Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Randomize
