dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
