the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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