I am puke
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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