Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
