I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she smelled like a LAN party
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
