Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
