Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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