If that was your dad, he is hot
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
