My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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