Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
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You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here