I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
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she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
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After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.