u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover