I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
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It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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