When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
