i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
