I wish my penis had an off switch
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
