Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
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just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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