so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
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Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.