you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it