Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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