Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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