You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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