Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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