We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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