you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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