Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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