Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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