When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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