Your tits are I can't wait for
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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