I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
