Well douche your snatch and let's go!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
