People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
