If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
