I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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