I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
