someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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