Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
