I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
