Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
