He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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