You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
