I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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