Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
