she woke up with a sticky ear
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
