The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
